Stoke the Fire

I have been following the plan, a few slips here & there. I have always managed to get myself back on plan with the next meal.

I am not going to beat myself up over a minor slip or finding myself out without the food I am going to custom order what I need and go from there.

Yesterday we were with Scott's family and his grandmother made a comment about how good his mom looked since she dropped 10 lbs.

I was seeing red, I dropped 14 lbs in the past two weeks but they never commented on it. I know this sounds bad but I never felt bad about myself until I met his family. I think it great his mom dropped some weight but it was like she was saying that encouraging me to lose weight. No one in his family knows that I am doing this plan. I am doing it for me so telling them is really of no consequence. Gee thanks for noticing!

By what they say it makes me feel that a person's value is only placed in where they land on the scale & the clothes aisle.

His grandmother will talk about some one's weight & then follow it up with "I really hope you can lose some to help with your asthma." Like that excuses it for insulting me, by talking about how big someone has gotten.

I had my own grandmother that made my life a living hell because of my weight & she passed away in September and I do not need to have any one take her place, thank you very much.

I was listening to the podcast the other day about how parents can encourage unhealthy eating habits in children if they order them to clean their plates or chastise them when they eat.

I have a lot of these scars to work through with my own family. Constantly hearing my dad say "you don't need that" whether I wanted it or not it made me feel ashamed like I did something wrong by even looking at it. I remember my mother embarrassing me my freshman year of High School. My friend's dad offered me a soda after a band concert & she stepped in & said I only allow her one can of soda a day and it should be diet. I wanted to curl up under a chair and die. She didn't even give me a chance to answer and make my own choice. (Today, my mom did say she notice that I have lost some weight. That made me feel good.)

They wonder why I starved myself in High School. The weird thing about it I had praise upon praise heaped upon me for that, the most unhealthy eating/not eating choice of all.

However now they are constantly forcing food on you. Do you want something to eat is out of their mouths before you get in the door. The weird thing is I just want to eat when I am there.

I am not really hungry but maybe I am trying to fill some painful void. They now act insulted if you do not want to eat or worse yet bring our own food.

I made squash today & I am the only one who ate any. Not cool at all. They could have at least tried it.